"You've got a healthy baby, that's all that matters...."

Is it?

Is it really?

Not to me.

(Just as an aside, I actually wrote this blog post on a private blog back in September '10, but am sharing it here now)

Now, I am forever grateful, with all my heart, that my two babies ARE healthy. I do honestly realise how lucky and blessed we are to have conceived easily and given birth to these two incredible little people.

I cry for mamas who don't get their healthy babies. Mamas who face years, or even a lifetime, of inferitility. Mamas who have to go through invasive procedures such as IVF, that sometimes work, sometimes don't. I cry for mamas who lose their little ones, whether it be at 6 weeks or 40 weeks. Mamas who never get to see their babies take their very first breaths. Mamas too that get to meet their little ones, but whose lives get cut short. It's just not fair, and I've had many friends, and heard many stories, of this happening. Too many. Mamas love their babies from the moment they know they come into existence. I wish that I could heal their pain.

So whilst I have never, thankfully, had to experience the loss of a baby, I know many mamas that have. I can't ever fully comprehend what it must feel like to lose a child at any stage of their life, from embryo to a living, breathing child and everywhere in between. So I hope with all my heart that I'm not being a totally insensitive cow here.

But my point is that 'having a healthy baby' and having a good birth experience shouldn't be mutually exlusive. Why does it seem so impossible to have BOTH? Why does it seem taboo to WANT both? Why do I feel selfish for wanting it? Why do I feel guilty for complaining, when I DID get a healthy baby?

I think it's because that is how society makes us feel. Society no longer seems to recognise the value of such an important event in a woman's life. Society treats pregnancy and birth as illnesses that must be fixed. I am grateful that we do have access to these medical services - that couples desperate for a baby can access IVF (though at increasingly ridiculous costs), that women with conditions that are life threatening to mum and/or bub can get the assistance they need to ensure the safety, and the lives, of both. But I think that over the years, somehow ALL women are seen as potential 'risks'. That birth is 'dangerous'. I think that is a lie. Of course there are cases where pregnancy and birth CAN be risky. Of course there are cases where intervention IS needed. But these are much, much less frequent than what we are led to believe. But sssshhh, better not let it get out, because otherwise there will be a lot of obstetricians and doctors out of work!! Oh and pharmaceutical companies too. Birth is now a BUSINESS. People make money out of it. How tragic.

I understand that people are simply trying to make me feel better about everything when they say I have a healthy baby. I know it, and I'm grateful for it. I think it's the "that's all that matters" bit I don't like. Because to me, it's NOT all that matters. It's not all that SHOULD matter, for anyone. Yes it matters the MOST (to me anyway), but it doesn't completely just wipe everything else away. It makes it easier, and I look at my boy and see how lucky I am to have him, every single day. But I still mourn for the birth that we both deserved and didn't get. Does that make me a bad person?

I was reading an article the other day, see HERE, and this paragraph really struck me,

After all – you should be happy with what you get, as long as the baby is healthy, to heck with how YOU feel, or what YOU needed in order to start down the road of motherhood in the best way you can. Mothers are just not that important after all – machines can warm your baby, nurses can feed your baby, and doctors can monitor the baby to make sure it has a pulse and sufficient brain waves. So – if you need to be broken and medicated while others take care of your baby, well, that’s not really anything to cry about.

Babies matter. But mothers matter too.