to my website,
www.nurturedbyjen.com
You will find me blogging there from now on, and I will be deleting this blog in the coming weeks :)
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Birth is like Sex
...and that's the only way I could explain to my husband why I feel the way I do about my son's birth.
About 6 months after the birth, we had a conversation in which he told me he didn't understand how our son's birth was 'that bad'. That it was 'just in a different room' (after a transfer from birth centre to hospital).
I thought about that conversation a lot, and I came up with this analogy.
Imagine you are a virgin. That you dreamed about and planned for a long time what sex would be - intimate, loving, private. Being with a person (or in the case of the 'birth' part of the analogy, people) who you know and trust deeply. Then...you get raped. All your dreams of how it should have been are stripped away. You have strange face(s) surrounding you. There is no love or respect in the room, it is full of fear. It is not as it should be. Then compare it with having sex the way it should be. Look at the situations - both times you have 'achieved' the physical act of sex. But the physical and especially emotional ramifications are worlds apart. And it wouldn't be something you just 'get over'. It is something that would shape your entire world and your entire view on things.
So in birth, should we really be OK with it if both mother and baby come out alive? Is that ALL that it's about? Do we not want mother and baby to be HAPPY and healthy? Or is it just the healthy part that matters (which could be argued anyway, particularly where the birth did leave physical injuries/scars, such as major abdominal surgery in the form of cesarean does)? Is PND or PTSD considered to be 'healthy'? Do the emotional ramifications of the equivalent of rape during birth not matter, because mother and baby are alive? Just some food for thought.
Just like sex, birth is natural. We don't go to hospital to have sex just in case something goes wrong. We don't have strange doctors and nurses watching us have sex to make sure we're doing it right, that it's not taking too long and that we're not going to die. We don't (usually) have sex under bright lights and we don't have 100 people in the room, coming in and out as they please, touching as they please, talking to us as they please. It's just not natural. We don't get hooked up to machines to check our stats, and we don't have hormones injected into us during sex to make it fit someone else's timetable.
So why does this happen in birth?
Sex is natural. Birth is natural.
About 6 months after the birth, we had a conversation in which he told me he didn't understand how our son's birth was 'that bad'. That it was 'just in a different room' (after a transfer from birth centre to hospital).
I thought about that conversation a lot, and I came up with this analogy.
Imagine you are a virgin. That you dreamed about and planned for a long time what sex would be - intimate, loving, private. Being with a person (or in the case of the 'birth' part of the analogy, people) who you know and trust deeply. Then...you get raped. All your dreams of how it should have been are stripped away. You have strange face(s) surrounding you. There is no love or respect in the room, it is full of fear. It is not as it should be. Then compare it with having sex the way it should be. Look at the situations - both times you have 'achieved' the physical act of sex. But the physical and especially emotional ramifications are worlds apart. And it wouldn't be something you just 'get over'. It is something that would shape your entire world and your entire view on things.
So in birth, should we really be OK with it if both mother and baby come out alive? Is that ALL that it's about? Do we not want mother and baby to be HAPPY and healthy? Or is it just the healthy part that matters (which could be argued anyway, particularly where the birth did leave physical injuries/scars, such as major abdominal surgery in the form of cesarean does)? Is PND or PTSD considered to be 'healthy'? Do the emotional ramifications of the equivalent of rape during birth not matter, because mother and baby are alive? Just some food for thought.
Just like sex, birth is natural. We don't go to hospital to have sex just in case something goes wrong. We don't have strange doctors and nurses watching us have sex to make sure we're doing it right, that it's not taking too long and that we're not going to die. We don't (usually) have sex under bright lights and we don't have 100 people in the room, coming in and out as they please, touching as they please, talking to us as they please. It's just not natural. We don't get hooked up to machines to check our stats, and we don't have hormones injected into us during sex to make it fit someone else's timetable.
So why does this happen in birth?
Sex is natural. Birth is natural.
"You've got a healthy baby, that's all that matters...."
Is it?
Is it really?
Not to me.
(Just as an aside, I actually wrote this blog post on a private blog back in September '10, but am sharing it here now)
Now, I am forever grateful, with all my heart, that my two babies ARE healthy. I do honestly realise how lucky and blessed we are to have conceived easily and given birth to these two incredible little people.
I cry for mamas who don't get their healthy babies. Mamas who face years, or even a lifetime, of inferitility. Mamas who have to go through invasive procedures such as IVF, that sometimes work, sometimes don't. I cry for mamas who lose their little ones, whether it be at 6 weeks or 40 weeks. Mamas who never get to see their babies take their very first breaths. Mamas too that get to meet their little ones, but whose lives get cut short. It's just not fair, and I've had many friends, and heard many stories, of this happening. Too many. Mamas love their babies from the moment they know they come into existence. I wish that I could heal their pain.
So whilst I have never, thankfully, had to experience the loss of a baby, I know many mamas that have. I can't ever fully comprehend what it must feel like to lose a child at any stage of their life, from embryo to a living, breathing child and everywhere in between. So I hope with all my heart that I'm not being a totally insensitive cow here.
But my point is that 'having a healthy baby' and having a good birth experience shouldn't be mutually exlusive. Why does it seem so impossible to have BOTH? Why does it seem taboo to WANT both? Why do I feel selfish for wanting it? Why do I feel guilty for complaining, when I DID get a healthy baby?
I think it's because that is how society makes us feel. Society no longer seems to recognise the value of such an important event in a woman's life. Society treats pregnancy and birth as illnesses that must be fixed. I am grateful that we do have access to these medical services - that couples desperate for a baby can access IVF (though at increasingly ridiculous costs), that women with conditions that are life threatening to mum and/or bub can get the assistance they need to ensure the safety, and the lives, of both. But I think that over the years, somehow ALL women are seen as potential 'risks'. That birth is 'dangerous'. I think that is a lie. Of course there are cases where pregnancy and birth CAN be risky. Of course there are cases where intervention IS needed. But these are much, much less frequent than what we are led to believe. But sssshhh, better not let it get out, because otherwise there will be a lot of obstetricians and doctors out of work!! Oh and pharmaceutical companies too. Birth is now a BUSINESS. People make money out of it. How tragic.
I understand that people are simply trying to make me feel better about everything when they say I have a healthy baby. I know it, and I'm grateful for it. I think it's the "that's all that matters" bit I don't like. Because to me, it's NOT all that matters. It's not all that SHOULD matter, for anyone. Yes it matters the MOST (to me anyway), but it doesn't completely just wipe everything else away. It makes it easier, and I look at my boy and see how lucky I am to have him, every single day. But I still mourn for the birth that we both deserved and didn't get. Does that make me a bad person?
I was reading an article the other day, see HERE, and this paragraph really struck me,
After all – you should be happy with what you get, as long as the baby is healthy, to heck with how YOU feel, or what YOU needed in order to start down the road of motherhood in the best way you can. Mothers are just not that important after all – machines can warm your baby, nurses can feed your baby, and doctors can monitor the baby to make sure it has a pulse and sufficient brain waves. So – if you need to be broken and medicated while others take care of your baby, well, that’s not really anything to cry about.
Babies matter. But mothers matter too.
Is it really?
Not to me.
(Just as an aside, I actually wrote this blog post on a private blog back in September '10, but am sharing it here now)
Now, I am forever grateful, with all my heart, that my two babies ARE healthy. I do honestly realise how lucky and blessed we are to have conceived easily and given birth to these two incredible little people.
I cry for mamas who don't get their healthy babies. Mamas who face years, or even a lifetime, of inferitility. Mamas who have to go through invasive procedures such as IVF, that sometimes work, sometimes don't. I cry for mamas who lose their little ones, whether it be at 6 weeks or 40 weeks. Mamas who never get to see their babies take their very first breaths. Mamas too that get to meet their little ones, but whose lives get cut short. It's just not fair, and I've had many friends, and heard many stories, of this happening. Too many. Mamas love their babies from the moment they know they come into existence. I wish that I could heal their pain.
So whilst I have never, thankfully, had to experience the loss of a baby, I know many mamas that have. I can't ever fully comprehend what it must feel like to lose a child at any stage of their life, from embryo to a living, breathing child and everywhere in between. So I hope with all my heart that I'm not being a totally insensitive cow here.
But my point is that 'having a healthy baby' and having a good birth experience shouldn't be mutually exlusive. Why does it seem so impossible to have BOTH? Why does it seem taboo to WANT both? Why do I feel selfish for wanting it? Why do I feel guilty for complaining, when I DID get a healthy baby?
I think it's because that is how society makes us feel. Society no longer seems to recognise the value of such an important event in a woman's life. Society treats pregnancy and birth as illnesses that must be fixed. I am grateful that we do have access to these medical services - that couples desperate for a baby can access IVF (though at increasingly ridiculous costs), that women with conditions that are life threatening to mum and/or bub can get the assistance they need to ensure the safety, and the lives, of both. But I think that over the years, somehow ALL women are seen as potential 'risks'. That birth is 'dangerous'. I think that is a lie. Of course there are cases where pregnancy and birth CAN be risky. Of course there are cases where intervention IS needed. But these are much, much less frequent than what we are led to believe. But sssshhh, better not let it get out, because otherwise there will be a lot of obstetricians and doctors out of work!! Oh and pharmaceutical companies too. Birth is now a BUSINESS. People make money out of it. How tragic.
I understand that people are simply trying to make me feel better about everything when they say I have a healthy baby. I know it, and I'm grateful for it. I think it's the "that's all that matters" bit I don't like. Because to me, it's NOT all that matters. It's not all that SHOULD matter, for anyone. Yes it matters the MOST (to me anyway), but it doesn't completely just wipe everything else away. It makes it easier, and I look at my boy and see how lucky I am to have him, every single day. But I still mourn for the birth that we both deserved and didn't get. Does that make me a bad person?
I was reading an article the other day, see HERE, and this paragraph really struck me,
After all – you should be happy with what you get, as long as the baby is healthy, to heck with how YOU feel, or what YOU needed in order to start down the road of motherhood in the best way you can. Mothers are just not that important after all – machines can warm your baby, nurses can feed your baby, and doctors can monitor the baby to make sure it has a pulse and sufficient brain waves. So – if you need to be broken and medicated while others take care of your baby, well, that’s not really anything to cry about.
Babies matter. But mothers matter too.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
"First Timers"
I've always been impressed by women who have known exactly what they want for their first birth.
I'm in awe of women who choose to home birth their first baby (in a good way, I think it's awesome!).
I'm really pleased when I hear that first time mums don't hang on to every word their doctor/s or midwives say, but take that information on board, research/investigate it, and come to their own conclusions.
I love it when first time mums aren't afraid of birth, but rather embrace it and look forward to it.
I love it when first time mums are passionate about natural birth and know they can do it and know that it's normal and see themselves as one of the many thousands of women who have done this before them.
I guess I see in these women what I wish I would have been myself. I'm an educated, intelligent woman - I got good grades in school, I have a university degree, I learnt (and taught) critical literacy (as in, analysing the messages in texts/language/any form of communication, looking for bias etc). So why, when it came to pregnancy and birth, did I hand over all power to my care providers? Why did I not question the information I was given, as I had been taught to do with everything else?
I just read this blog post, which pretty well sums up my thinking. These quotes in particular struck me...
"Many no longer feel confident in their inner power to give birth. The society in general makes us believe that women are faulty machines which always need someone to give birth for them, technologies, surgical intervention, and medications" - so basically, many women don't question what is happening to them because they are too busy questioning themselves and their ability, now that it seems common in society to treat pregnancy and birth as something pathological (an 'illness' needing to be managed/cured) and the way society as a whole views doctors (including obstetricians) as Gods.
"If we are truly going to reform the health care system in the U.S.,” Dr. Russell said, “everybody has to participate actively and must educate themselves. That means doctors, nurses, other health care professionals, lawyers, pharmaceutical companies, and insurance companies. But most of all, it means the patient.”
Trust is important. But as Sir Francis Bacon, who was among the first to understand the importance of gathering data in science, once observed, knowledge is power.
"Patients are more likely to spend time researching a job change (on average, about 10 hours) or a new car (8 hours) than the operation they are about to submit to or the surgeon who wields the knife. And many patients are satisfied with the answers they receive from their surgeon or primary care doctor, whoever those individuals happen to be."
Taken from HERE
I admit it - with my first baby, I probably can safely say I spent more time choosing a phone plan than a care provider!!!!!! I look back now and think that's crazy!!!! Having a baby is one of THE most defining moment's of a woman's/family's life - more so than what will be in next week's meal plan, which internet provider to go with, how to arrange the furniture, what kind of car to buy...No doubt we would ask a care salesperson many, many questions before buying from them - and if we don't like the answers, we would simply go somewhere else. Why does this not happen in pregnancy and birth? Why are so many women accepting inferior care, giving in to scare tactics/bullying, not being listened to, continuing with care providers even where they have doubts/concerns...just because they have the word 'doctor' in front of their name?
To me, that is the essence of my work - to show women that they have choices. They have power. They are in charge. They know their bodies better than anyone else. They are strong, and capable. I want to guide them in finding their own inner strength, to encourage them to ask questions and simply to question what they read, what they are told, etc, in order for them to make fully informed choices.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking with a first time mother who is just over half way through her pregnancy, and I must admit I was impressed with her attitude towards labour and birth - I loved talking with her and hearing her plans for the birth, and to see her view it as something so normal.. I have only met her once, but I really admire her, and I think she will have an amazing birth, no matter where or how she gives birth. Simply because she is supported, she is informed, and she is in control. I am very honoured to have been given a chance to share in her journey.
I'm in awe of women who choose to home birth their first baby (in a good way, I think it's awesome!).
I'm really pleased when I hear that first time mums don't hang on to every word their doctor/s or midwives say, but take that information on board, research/investigate it, and come to their own conclusions.
I love it when first time mums aren't afraid of birth, but rather embrace it and look forward to it.
I love it when first time mums are passionate about natural birth and know they can do it and know that it's normal and see themselves as one of the many thousands of women who have done this before them.
I guess I see in these women what I wish I would have been myself. I'm an educated, intelligent woman - I got good grades in school, I have a university degree, I learnt (and taught) critical literacy (as in, analysing the messages in texts/language/any form of communication, looking for bias etc). So why, when it came to pregnancy and birth, did I hand over all power to my care providers? Why did I not question the information I was given, as I had been taught to do with everything else?
I just read this blog post, which pretty well sums up my thinking. These quotes in particular struck me...
"Many no longer feel confident in their inner power to give birth. The society in general makes us believe that women are faulty machines which always need someone to give birth for them, technologies, surgical intervention, and medications" - so basically, many women don't question what is happening to them because they are too busy questioning themselves and their ability, now that it seems common in society to treat pregnancy and birth as something pathological (an 'illness' needing to be managed/cured) and the way society as a whole views doctors (including obstetricians) as Gods.
"If we are truly going to reform the health care system in the U.S.,” Dr. Russell said, “everybody has to participate actively and must educate themselves. That means doctors, nurses, other health care professionals, lawyers, pharmaceutical companies, and insurance companies. But most of all, it means the patient.”
Trust is important. But as Sir Francis Bacon, who was among the first to understand the importance of gathering data in science, once observed, knowledge is power.
"Patients are more likely to spend time researching a job change (on average, about 10 hours) or a new car (8 hours) than the operation they are about to submit to or the surgeon who wields the knife. And many patients are satisfied with the answers they receive from their surgeon or primary care doctor, whoever those individuals happen to be."
Taken from HERE
I admit it - with my first baby, I probably can safely say I spent more time choosing a phone plan than a care provider!!!!!! I look back now and think that's crazy!!!! Having a baby is one of THE most defining moment's of a woman's/family's life - more so than what will be in next week's meal plan, which internet provider to go with, how to arrange the furniture, what kind of car to buy...No doubt we would ask a care salesperson many, many questions before buying from them - and if we don't like the answers, we would simply go somewhere else. Why does this not happen in pregnancy and birth? Why are so many women accepting inferior care, giving in to scare tactics/bullying, not being listened to, continuing with care providers even where they have doubts/concerns...just because they have the word 'doctor' in front of their name?
To me, that is the essence of my work - to show women that they have choices. They have power. They are in charge. They know their bodies better than anyone else. They are strong, and capable. I want to guide them in finding their own inner strength, to encourage them to ask questions and simply to question what they read, what they are told, etc, in order for them to make fully informed choices.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking with a first time mother who is just over half way through her pregnancy, and I must admit I was impressed with her attitude towards labour and birth - I loved talking with her and hearing her plans for the birth, and to see her view it as something so normal.. I have only met her once, but I really admire her, and I think she will have an amazing birth, no matter where or how she gives birth. Simply because she is supported, she is informed, and she is in control. I am very honoured to have been given a chance to share in her journey.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A doula's support...priceless!
In my previous post, you will have seen the kind of services I offer to women and families during the pregnancy, birth and postpartum period.
There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to doula care.
Each mother is unique. Each pregnancy is unique. Each situation is unique. Each woman's history is unique. Each woman's choices are unique. I think you get my drift.
You may have noticed that I am a strong believer in natural birth, including homebirth.
But most of all, I am a believer in information and choice. A woman's right to bodily autonomy (in other words, being able to choose what happens to her own body).
Obviously, MY history/views/pregnancies/experiences are different to the womens' that I will be supporting. I have my opinions and wishes, just like every other woman does. But I realise it is not my job to tell a woman what to do, but to provide information and encourage her in making her own decisions with that information. If I were to bully her into a decision, or make her feel as though she was making the wrong decision, I wouldn't really be any better than the 'medwives' and 'knobstetricians' that are accused by many in the natural birth community of doing the exact same thing.
Many of you are probably also aware that I've never had a homebirth myself, so how can I support it so strongly? No, I haven't had a homebirth. Hopefully one day in the future that will change. I have had one pretty standard hospital birth (which was straightforward in hospital terms, but looking back could have been a lot different), and one birth-centre-turned-hospital birth which was certainly not what I imagined and hoped for. It was these less than ideal experiences which led me to thinking 'there's gotta be something better, something more, out there'. So I looked far and wide...and came to the conclusion that if a woman's wish is to have a trulynatural birth, not a 'natural' (aka the baby came out of a vagina but it was far from what would have happened in nature) birth, then the place to have that is at home.
Why? Because EVERY procedure that is carried out as 'routine' in a hospital interferes with the physiological process of birth. EVERY vaginal examination, EVERY medication, EVERY ultrasound/doppler use, EVERY time you are strapped to a CTG monitor, every time you are made to lie flat on your back on the bed. That is NOT NATURAL. And each of these routine interventions can lead to more intervention. Obstetricians, and sadly also many midwives, view birth as being pathological (basically a problem that needs to be controlled/'fixed'/'dealt with') rather than physiological (the body's natural process that does not require outside interference). And this is not to even mention things like forceps deliveries, vacuum extractions and cesarean sections.
I mean, how can you compare these...
This is a cesarean birth, embedding was disabled.
To these...
In the majority of births, but not all, mothers and babies survive. But should it just be about survival? Should a just be a matter of wanting to come out of it alive? And is it only the physical repurcussions that matter? What about the birth trauma the mother experiences, sometimes even feeling like she's been raped? Surely that's not a good start to motherhood. A healthy baby matters. No doubt about it. But would you call some of these babies healthy...?
So yes, I have been shaped by my own two experiences of hospital birth. I've been touched by the stories of homebirth, and the amazing (though absolutely normal) things that can happen when birth is left alone, to happen in it's own way and it's own time.
But that is absolutely not to say I won't support a woman in ANY setting she chooses. From unassisted birth to elective cesarean, I will support a woman in HER choices. I will encourage her to research the benefits and risks of these choices, and the alternatives, but once presented with the information, the choice is hers and hers alone. Because that is what birth, and autonomy, and empowerment is all about. Only when a woman has knowledge and support, and makes her own choices, can she have an truly empowering birth experience - at home or hospital, vaginal or cesarean, and anywhere in between.
And though I believe that homebirth is safe, another woman may not feel the same. And a woman must feel safe to birth, wherever that may be. Homebirth is not for everyone, but it should be an option for everyone. While I don't beieve it takes a certain 'type' of woman to homebirth, I do believe that a woman has to be mentally prepared to give birth at home. To be willing to take responsibility for her choices and the outcomes of these choices instead of surrendering responsibility to care providers. This is where birth is truly empowering. Many women, after a birth where THEY have made the choices, feel a huge sense of accomplishment, empowerment, and faith in their bodies. On the contrary, where control has been handed over to someone else (obstetrician, midwife, doula, anyone other than the woman herself), women can walk away from the experience feeling incredibly disempowered and bitterly disappointed. Either of these scenarios can happen anywhere, in any type of birth. But research suggests, overwhelmingly, that woman who birth at home are more satisfied with their experiences, bond more with their babies, and have decreased incidence of postnatal depression.
"Women who give birth in a hospital are much more likely to experience postpartum depression or even post traumatic stress disorder. British childbirth expert Sheila Kitzinger states that the more interventions a woman experiences, the more likely she is to be depressed, with cesarean sections obviously carrying the greatest risk of depression.
Aidan McFarlane, a British physician, notes that while 68 percent of hospital mothers experience postpartum depression, only 16 percent of homebirth mothers do. On The Farm, a self contained, alternative lifestyle community in Tennessee, the rate of postpartum depression was 0.03 percent. Almost all mothers on The Farm had both a homebirth and a supportive, loving community of women to assist them postpartum. Avoiding depression, in itself, would be a major reason for mothers to consider giving birth in their own homes, if that is where they are most comfortable, especially if they had previously experienced postpartum depression and thus were at high risk for a repeat episode.
Aspects of hospital birth that may strongly contribute to the incidence of postpartum depression in our country are the way the moment of birth is handled and routine separation of baby and mother. In a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1972, Marshall Klaus found that holding the baby close released "dormant intelligences" in the mother and caused "precise shifts of brain functioning and permanent behavior changes." Bonding therefore is not just an emotional thing that only mothers think happens; it is a biochemical process that forever changes the mother so that she knows more instinctively how to relate to her baby. Routine separation of mom and infant makes baby frightened and mom depressed. This may be why postpartum depression and difficult adjustments are so common in the United States and rare elsewhere." -Jennifer L, Griebenow, excerpted from "Home Birth vs. Hospital Birth: How Safe?," Birthing magazine, Summer 1998
This article by SA midwife Lisa Barrett explains much more eloquently what I'm trying to say - have a read.
It is important, when you are considering where to give birth, that you think about what will make you feel safe in each environment. Whether that be the ability to move freely, having familiar support people, a quiet and dark environment, nourishing food and drink, having the SNU/NICU/an obstetrician close at hand, monitoring equipment and other 'technology' nearby? What will make you feel unsafe? Bright lights, strangers, an unfamiliar environment, the very same equipment that to others may be reassuring but to you are dangerous (ie surgical/monitoring equipment), being far from medical help?
It is really only after you have considered what will make YOU feel safe, where YOU will feel comfortable, that you can make a decision on where to give birth. There are benefits and risks no matter what you decide. There will be fears and 'what ifs'. And statistics and evidence can only help so much - ultimately it is the woman who decides where and how to give birth.
Sometimes there are complications that DO require obstetric intervention or close monitoring. Obstetrics DOES have a place. Women who truly need that intervention have just as much right to information and continued support as anyone else, particularly if they had originally wanted an intervention-free birth. It can be incredibly difficult to have that choice taken away.
A doula can provide support, physically and emotionally, to ANY woman in ANY environment.
So, in a very long winded way, while I am a home birth/natural birth supporter, it does not mean I will not support women in alternative choices.
There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to doula care.
Each mother is unique. Each pregnancy is unique. Each situation is unique. Each woman's history is unique. Each woman's choices are unique. I think you get my drift.
You may have noticed that I am a strong believer in natural birth, including homebirth.
But most of all, I am a believer in information and choice. A woman's right to bodily autonomy (in other words, being able to choose what happens to her own body).
Obviously, MY history/views/pregnancies/experiences are different to the womens' that I will be supporting. I have my opinions and wishes, just like every other woman does. But I realise it is not my job to tell a woman what to do, but to provide information and encourage her in making her own decisions with that information. If I were to bully her into a decision, or make her feel as though she was making the wrong decision, I wouldn't really be any better than the 'medwives' and 'knobstetricians' that are accused by many in the natural birth community of doing the exact same thing.
Many of you are probably also aware that I've never had a homebirth myself, so how can I support it so strongly? No, I haven't had a homebirth. Hopefully one day in the future that will change. I have had one pretty standard hospital birth (which was straightforward in hospital terms, but looking back could have been a lot different), and one birth-centre-turned-hospital birth which was certainly not what I imagined and hoped for. It was these less than ideal experiences which led me to thinking 'there's gotta be something better, something more, out there'. So I looked far and wide...and came to the conclusion that if a woman's wish is to have a trulynatural birth, not a 'natural' (aka the baby came out of a vagina but it was far from what would have happened in nature) birth, then the place to have that is at home.
Why? Because EVERY procedure that is carried out as 'routine' in a hospital interferes with the physiological process of birth. EVERY vaginal examination, EVERY medication, EVERY ultrasound/doppler use, EVERY time you are strapped to a CTG monitor, every time you are made to lie flat on your back on the bed. That is NOT NATURAL. And each of these routine interventions can lead to more intervention. Obstetricians, and sadly also many midwives, view birth as being pathological (basically a problem that needs to be controlled/'fixed'/'dealt with') rather than physiological (the body's natural process that does not require outside interference). And this is not to even mention things like forceps deliveries, vacuum extractions and cesarean sections.
I mean, how can you compare these...
This is a cesarean birth, embedding was disabled.
To these...
In the majority of births, but not all, mothers and babies survive. But should it just be about survival? Should a just be a matter of wanting to come out of it alive? And is it only the physical repurcussions that matter? What about the birth trauma the mother experiences, sometimes even feeling like she's been raped? Surely that's not a good start to motherhood. A healthy baby matters. No doubt about it. But would you call some of these babies healthy...?
So yes, I have been shaped by my own two experiences of hospital birth. I've been touched by the stories of homebirth, and the amazing (though absolutely normal) things that can happen when birth is left alone, to happen in it's own way and it's own time.
But that is absolutely not to say I won't support a woman in ANY setting she chooses. From unassisted birth to elective cesarean, I will support a woman in HER choices. I will encourage her to research the benefits and risks of these choices, and the alternatives, but once presented with the information, the choice is hers and hers alone. Because that is what birth, and autonomy, and empowerment is all about. Only when a woman has knowledge and support, and makes her own choices, can she have an truly empowering birth experience - at home or hospital, vaginal or cesarean, and anywhere in between.
And though I believe that homebirth is safe, another woman may not feel the same. And a woman must feel safe to birth, wherever that may be. Homebirth is not for everyone, but it should be an option for everyone. While I don't beieve it takes a certain 'type' of woman to homebirth, I do believe that a woman has to be mentally prepared to give birth at home. To be willing to take responsibility for her choices and the outcomes of these choices instead of surrendering responsibility to care providers. This is where birth is truly empowering. Many women, after a birth where THEY have made the choices, feel a huge sense of accomplishment, empowerment, and faith in their bodies. On the contrary, where control has been handed over to someone else (obstetrician, midwife, doula, anyone other than the woman herself), women can walk away from the experience feeling incredibly disempowered and bitterly disappointed. Either of these scenarios can happen anywhere, in any type of birth. But research suggests, overwhelmingly, that woman who birth at home are more satisfied with their experiences, bond more with their babies, and have decreased incidence of postnatal depression.
"Women who give birth in a hospital are much more likely to experience postpartum depression or even post traumatic stress disorder. British childbirth expert Sheila Kitzinger states that the more interventions a woman experiences, the more likely she is to be depressed, with cesarean sections obviously carrying the greatest risk of depression.
Aidan McFarlane, a British physician, notes that while 68 percent of hospital mothers experience postpartum depression, only 16 percent of homebirth mothers do. On The Farm, a self contained, alternative lifestyle community in Tennessee, the rate of postpartum depression was 0.03 percent. Almost all mothers on The Farm had both a homebirth and a supportive, loving community of women to assist them postpartum. Avoiding depression, in itself, would be a major reason for mothers to consider giving birth in their own homes, if that is where they are most comfortable, especially if they had previously experienced postpartum depression and thus were at high risk for a repeat episode.
Aspects of hospital birth that may strongly contribute to the incidence of postpartum depression in our country are the way the moment of birth is handled and routine separation of baby and mother. In a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1972, Marshall Klaus found that holding the baby close released "dormant intelligences" in the mother and caused "precise shifts of brain functioning and permanent behavior changes." Bonding therefore is not just an emotional thing that only mothers think happens; it is a biochemical process that forever changes the mother so that she knows more instinctively how to relate to her baby. Routine separation of mom and infant makes baby frightened and mom depressed. This may be why postpartum depression and difficult adjustments are so common in the United States and rare elsewhere." -Jennifer L, Griebenow, excerpted from "Home Birth vs. Hospital Birth: How Safe?," Birthing magazine, Summer 1998
This article by SA midwife Lisa Barrett explains much more eloquently what I'm trying to say - have a read.
It is important, when you are considering where to give birth, that you think about what will make you feel safe in each environment. Whether that be the ability to move freely, having familiar support people, a quiet and dark environment, nourishing food and drink, having the SNU/NICU/an obstetrician close at hand, monitoring equipment and other 'technology' nearby? What will make you feel unsafe? Bright lights, strangers, an unfamiliar environment, the very same equipment that to others may be reassuring but to you are dangerous (ie surgical/monitoring equipment), being far from medical help?
It is really only after you have considered what will make YOU feel safe, where YOU will feel comfortable, that you can make a decision on where to give birth. There are benefits and risks no matter what you decide. There will be fears and 'what ifs'. And statistics and evidence can only help so much - ultimately it is the woman who decides where and how to give birth.
Sometimes there are complications that DO require obstetric intervention or close monitoring. Obstetrics DOES have a place. Women who truly need that intervention have just as much right to information and continued support as anyone else, particularly if they had originally wanted an intervention-free birth. It can be incredibly difficult to have that choice taken away.
A doula can provide support, physically and emotionally, to ANY woman in ANY environment.
So, in a very long winded way, while I am a home birth/natural birth supporter, it does not mean I will not support women in alternative choices.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Lending Library
My Lending Library is available to any client during their pregnancy and early parenting journey. This library is continually growing as I am able to add to my collection.
At this stage, the following books and CDs are available.
BOOKS
Pregnancy and Birth
- Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (Ina May Gaskin)
-The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth (Sheila Kitzinger)
-Birthing from Within (Pam England and Rob Horowitz)
-Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering (Sarah Buckley)
-The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth (Henci Goer)
-Pushed (Jennifer Block)
-Obstetric Myths vs Research Realities (Henci Goer)
-Spiritual Midwifery (Ina May Gaskin)
-The Politics of Birth (Sheila Kitzinger)
-Birth Skills (Juju Sundin)
-The Down to Earth Birth Book (Jenny Blyth)
-A guide to effective care in pregnancy and childbirth (Enkin et al)
-Childbirth without Fear (Grant Dick-Read)
-The VBAC companion (Diana Korte)
Homebirth
-The Father's Homebirth Handbook (Leah Hazard)
-Homebirth (Nicky Wesson)
Breastfeeding
-Breastfeeding...naturally (ABA)
-Breastfeeding (Sheila Kitzinger)
-The Politics of Breastfeeding (Gabrielle Palmer)
Parenting/Sleep/Eating
-Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering (Sarah Buckley)
-Baby Led Weaning ( Gill Rapley)
-Sleeping Like a Baby (Pinky McKay)
Birth Trauma/PND/PTSD
-Reclaiming the Spirituality of Birth (Benig Mauger)
-Coping with Birth Trauma and Post Natal Depression (Lucy Jolin)
-Feelings after Birth (NCT)
Books for Support People
-The Doula Book (Klaus et al)
-Birthwork (Jenny Blyth)
DVDs
***I will update this section very soon***
At this stage, the following books and CDs are available.
BOOKS
Pregnancy and Birth
- Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (Ina May Gaskin)
-The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth (Sheila Kitzinger)
-Birthing from Within (Pam England and Rob Horowitz)
-Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering (Sarah Buckley)
-The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth (Henci Goer)
-Pushed (Jennifer Block)
-Obstetric Myths vs Research Realities (Henci Goer)
-Spiritual Midwifery (Ina May Gaskin)
-The Politics of Birth (Sheila Kitzinger)
-Birth Skills (Juju Sundin)
-The Down to Earth Birth Book (Jenny Blyth)
-A guide to effective care in pregnancy and childbirth (Enkin et al)
-Childbirth without Fear (Grant Dick-Read)
-The VBAC companion (Diana Korte)
Homebirth
-The Father's Homebirth Handbook (Leah Hazard)
-Homebirth (Nicky Wesson)
Breastfeeding
-Breastfeeding...naturally (ABA)
-Breastfeeding (Sheila Kitzinger)
-The Politics of Breastfeeding (Gabrielle Palmer)
Parenting/Sleep/Eating
-Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering (Sarah Buckley)
-Baby Led Weaning ( Gill Rapley)
-Sleeping Like a Baby (Pinky McKay)
Birth Trauma/PND/PTSD
-Reclaiming the Spirituality of Birth (Benig Mauger)
-Coping with Birth Trauma and Post Natal Depression (Lucy Jolin)
-Feelings after Birth (NCT)
Books for Support People
-The Doula Book (Klaus et al)
-Birthwork (Jenny Blyth)
DVDs
***I will update this section very soon***
My Offerings...
I am ready to give myself up to this amazing calling. I am ready to support women and guide them in finding their power. I am ready to do my part in letting the world know that women are STRONG, women are CAPABLE, and women can give birth.
If I could do this for every woman, and I could do it for free, I would. I want my services to be accessible for everyone. But I also need to make sure I am doing this at the detriment of my own family's time and finances. I hope that the packages that I offer are flexible enough and accessible enough that all women who wish to have my support are able to. Please, anyone who would like to use my services and is having financial difficulties, contact me and I'm sure we will be able to work something out.
So here is a guide to the packages I offer. If there is something you feel is missing or if you have other needs, I am open to suggestions - after all, I want to provide individualised care that is tailored to each woman's needs.
FULL PACKAGE - Antenatal, birth and posptartum support
For a flat price of $399, you will receive:
~1 free initial meet/consultation, which can be done in person or over the phone*
~ 3-5 antenatal visits (these can be done in your own home)
~ Phone/email support throughout your pregnancy (plus 24/7 on call support from 38 weeks)
~Access to my lending library throughout your pregnancy and following the birth
~Attendance at your birth, including coming to your home during early labour if you wish.
~All unedited photographs of your birth on CD (photos can be edited for an additional fee), if you wish this to be part of my service.
~Up to 5 postnatal visits in the 6 weeks following birth
Antenatal and Postpartum Package
For a flat price of $249, you will receive:
~1 free initial meet/consultation, which can be done in person or over the phone*
~Phone/email support through your pregnancy, including phone support during your labour and birth if required
~Access to my lending library throughout your pregnancy and following the birth
~Up to 5 postpartum visits of ~1hr each (this can be negotiated)
Postpartum Package
For a flat price of $149, you will receive:
~6 postpartum visits of ~1 hour each, up to 6 weeks post birth**
*A 50% booking fee is required if you decide to use my services after the initial meeting/consultation. The remainder of the fee is to be paid by 38 weeks.
**Extra visits can be arranged for an hourly fee
I am flexible with payment options. I will happily accept payment plans and may be able to negotiate if you are experiencing financial difficulties.
What do the antenatal visits include?
Basically, whatever you would like them to. They can be as formal or informal as you wish. We can go over structured topics, or simply sit and chat and get to know each other. Some specific things that may be covered (and this is not an exhaustive list) include:
~Writing a birth plan
~Debriefing previous birthing experiences
~Exploring Ideas and fears around birth
~Preparing for parenting
~Preparing for breastfeeding
~Discussing pain relief options
~Choosing a care provider
~Discussing how your partner can support you
~Debriefing/Discussing any issues/problems/concerns re: your care providers
~Antenatal Testing and Screening
What does birth support include?
Again, this will depend on what you wish to get from having a doula. I am here to serve you. This could include, but is not exclusive to,
~Massage and positioning
~Natural pain relief
~Emotional encouragement and support
~Explaining medical procedures (benefits and risks of proposed actions and alternatives, including doing nothing)
~Supporting and encouraging your birth partner
~Taking photographs
~Help establishing breastfeeding if needed
~Providing food and drink to you and your partner
What does postpartum support include?
~Breastfeeding support
~Assistance with household tasks such as cooking, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, etc
~Baby care
~Help with older siblings
~Taking the baby while allowing the mother to rest
~Debriefing the birth experience
I also offer maternity, birth, newborn and family photography - see my facebook page and blog for more information. Discounts apply to clients who combine birth support services and photography packages.
If I could do this for every woman, and I could do it for free, I would. I want my services to be accessible for everyone. But I also need to make sure I am doing this at the detriment of my own family's time and finances. I hope that the packages that I offer are flexible enough and accessible enough that all women who wish to have my support are able to. Please, anyone who would like to use my services and is having financial difficulties, contact me and I'm sure we will be able to work something out.
So here is a guide to the packages I offer. If there is something you feel is missing or if you have other needs, I am open to suggestions - after all, I want to provide individualised care that is tailored to each woman's needs.
FULL PACKAGE - Antenatal, birth and posptartum support
For a flat price of $399, you will receive:
~1 free initial meet/consultation, which can be done in person or over the phone*
~ 3-5 antenatal visits (these can be done in your own home)
~ Phone/email support throughout your pregnancy (plus 24/7 on call support from 38 weeks)
~Access to my lending library throughout your pregnancy and following the birth
~Attendance at your birth, including coming to your home during early labour if you wish.
~All unedited photographs of your birth on CD (photos can be edited for an additional fee), if you wish this to be part of my service.
~Up to 5 postnatal visits in the 6 weeks following birth
Antenatal and Postpartum Package
For a flat price of $249, you will receive:
~1 free initial meet/consultation, which can be done in person or over the phone*
~Phone/email support through your pregnancy, including phone support during your labour and birth if required
~Access to my lending library throughout your pregnancy and following the birth
~Up to 5 postpartum visits of ~1hr each (this can be negotiated)
Postpartum Package
For a flat price of $149, you will receive:
~6 postpartum visits of ~1 hour each, up to 6 weeks post birth**
*A 50% booking fee is required if you decide to use my services after the initial meeting/consultation. The remainder of the fee is to be paid by 38 weeks.
**Extra visits can be arranged for an hourly fee
I am flexible with payment options. I will happily accept payment plans and may be able to negotiate if you are experiencing financial difficulties.
What do the antenatal visits include?
Basically, whatever you would like them to. They can be as formal or informal as you wish. We can go over structured topics, or simply sit and chat and get to know each other. Some specific things that may be covered (and this is not an exhaustive list) include:
~Writing a birth plan
~Debriefing previous birthing experiences
~Exploring Ideas and fears around birth
~Preparing for parenting
~Preparing for breastfeeding
~Discussing pain relief options
~Choosing a care provider
~Discussing how your partner can support you
~Debriefing/Discussing any issues/problems/concerns re: your care providers
~Antenatal Testing and Screening
What does birth support include?
Again, this will depend on what you wish to get from having a doula. I am here to serve you. This could include, but is not exclusive to,
~Massage and positioning
~Natural pain relief
~Emotional encouragement and support
~Explaining medical procedures (benefits and risks of proposed actions and alternatives, including doing nothing)
~Supporting and encouraging your birth partner
~Taking photographs
~Help establishing breastfeeding if needed
~Providing food and drink to you and your partner
What does postpartum support include?
~Breastfeeding support
~Assistance with household tasks such as cooking, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, etc
~Baby care
~Help with older siblings
~Taking the baby while allowing the mother to rest
~Debriefing the birth experience
I also offer maternity, birth, newborn and family photography - see my facebook page and blog for more information. Discounts apply to clients who combine birth support services and photography packages.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Value of a Doula
This is being written in a bit of a hurry, and I'll probably have more to add, but I've done a bit of reading/talking to my mentor @ CBI and I've realised that I really need to value the work I do more.
It's difficult when you are just starting out, in unknown territory, you're still studying, the only experience you've got is the birth of your own children (although on thinking about it, those experiences have taught me a lot!). I admit that I really want my first two clients so I can get that piece of paper to get me 'certified'. But is a piece of paper really going to make that much difference? Am I going to suddenly know more, or care more, or do more, just because a piece of paper says I can? I really admire Carla Hartley from The Trust Birth Initiative/ Ancient Art Midwifery Institute, and I often read about her passion for getting RID of all the paperwork, red tape, etc. About getting so caught up in being registered or whatever that you sacrifice the women you are supposed to be caring for in the process. That a piece of paper means nothing - it is the women that mean something. I must admit she also seems a bit like me in wanting to keep her services cheap and accessible not because she doesn't value them, but because she is passionate about what she does and it goes beyond the issue of money. Doesn't help our bank accounts though, so somewhere along the line, something's gotta give...
I know I will support every one of my clients however I can/they want me to. No doubt I will spend hours of my time with my clients/researching things for my clients/talking to my clients/travelling to my clients. I will spend money travelling to my clients, I've already spent money on beginning a lending library, not to mention the cost of the course itself, advertising etc. I will most likely need childcare at some stage.
My wonderful mentor has said to me that by not charging these first two clients at all simply because I'm still studying, does that mean I do not value what I do enough to expect people to pay? And if I don't value it myself, how can I expect my clients to? It certainly stirred something in me and has made me consider what value I do place on my work. I also read something similar in the "Work of Heart" Photographer's handbook - if you charge little or nothing, then people see that as you not valuing the service you provide, and often they then don't value it either.
I care about women. I want to support and inform women, and in an ideal world, I could do that for free. In an ideal world, women wouldn't need hired doulas because they'd have their own woman community surrounding them as they did 'in the old days'. But many women don't have that support, and need to look elsewhere. While I hope to establish relationships with my clients, perhaps even ongoing friendships if it works out that way, I think if I am going to put so much time, money and passion into what I do, into a business, then I am worthy of some financial reward, even if it's minimal.
I am going to stand by my word, and keep my offer of 'my two qualifying clients free', but with a slight adaptation: By offering you this service, I am making a commitment - financially, physically and emotionally. I value the service I provide you, even as a student, and believe I can offer you a high quality service. Therefore, I am asking that my first 2 qualifying clients make a donation for my services (amount at your discretion).
I DO value my work, and admit I did get caught up in the 'I'll do anything to get clients'. Why? Because I'm EXCITED! I'm PASSIONATE! I can't wait for the day I can witness the miracle of birth and be there supporting a mumma (and partner if there is one) in what will be one of the most defining moments of that family's life. I want to be out there 'doing', and not just reading (like a maniac LOL) and studying about it.
Just because I love what I do though, doesn't mean I should undervalue it in a business sense (and as much as I cringe about calling what I do a 'business', and it reminds me of how hospitals have become money-hungry institutions making money out of women's misfortunes and all too often traumatic experiences, I have set out hoping I can cover my costs and supplement my family's income by doing this, so in essence, it's a business). I certainly don't want to come across as money hungry, because that is not who or what I am, so I sincerely hope that is not the message you've gotten from all this!
Phew. That was a bit of a jumbled mess.
Thank you all for bearing with me as I find my feet in a entirely new world to me.
:)
It's difficult when you are just starting out, in unknown territory, you're still studying, the only experience you've got is the birth of your own children (although on thinking about it, those experiences have taught me a lot!). I admit that I really want my first two clients so I can get that piece of paper to get me 'certified'. But is a piece of paper really going to make that much difference? Am I going to suddenly know more, or care more, or do more, just because a piece of paper says I can? I really admire Carla Hartley from The Trust Birth Initiative/ Ancient Art Midwifery Institute, and I often read about her passion for getting RID of all the paperwork, red tape, etc. About getting so caught up in being registered or whatever that you sacrifice the women you are supposed to be caring for in the process. That a piece of paper means nothing - it is the women that mean something. I must admit she also seems a bit like me in wanting to keep her services cheap and accessible not because she doesn't value them, but because she is passionate about what she does and it goes beyond the issue of money. Doesn't help our bank accounts though, so somewhere along the line, something's gotta give...
I know I will support every one of my clients however I can/they want me to. No doubt I will spend hours of my time with my clients/researching things for my clients/talking to my clients/travelling to my clients. I will spend money travelling to my clients, I've already spent money on beginning a lending library, not to mention the cost of the course itself, advertising etc. I will most likely need childcare at some stage.
My wonderful mentor has said to me that by not charging these first two clients at all simply because I'm still studying, does that mean I do not value what I do enough to expect people to pay? And if I don't value it myself, how can I expect my clients to? It certainly stirred something in me and has made me consider what value I do place on my work. I also read something similar in the "Work of Heart" Photographer's handbook - if you charge little or nothing, then people see that as you not valuing the service you provide, and often they then don't value it either.
I care about women. I want to support and inform women, and in an ideal world, I could do that for free. In an ideal world, women wouldn't need hired doulas because they'd have their own woman community surrounding them as they did 'in the old days'. But many women don't have that support, and need to look elsewhere. While I hope to establish relationships with my clients, perhaps even ongoing friendships if it works out that way, I think if I am going to put so much time, money and passion into what I do, into a business, then I am worthy of some financial reward, even if it's minimal.
I am going to stand by my word, and keep my offer of 'my two qualifying clients free', but with a slight adaptation: By offering you this service, I am making a commitment - financially, physically and emotionally. I value the service I provide you, even as a student, and believe I can offer you a high quality service. Therefore, I am asking that my first 2 qualifying clients make a donation for my services (amount at your discretion).
I DO value my work, and admit I did get caught up in the 'I'll do anything to get clients'. Why? Because I'm EXCITED! I'm PASSIONATE! I can't wait for the day I can witness the miracle of birth and be there supporting a mumma (and partner if there is one) in what will be one of the most defining moments of that family's life. I want to be out there 'doing', and not just reading (like a maniac LOL) and studying about it.
Just because I love what I do though, doesn't mean I should undervalue it in a business sense (and as much as I cringe about calling what I do a 'business', and it reminds me of how hospitals have become money-hungry institutions making money out of women's misfortunes and all too often traumatic experiences, I have set out hoping I can cover my costs and supplement my family's income by doing this, so in essence, it's a business). I certainly don't want to come across as money hungry, because that is not who or what I am, so I sincerely hope that is not the message you've gotten from all this!
Phew. That was a bit of a jumbled mess.
Thank you all for bearing with me as I find my feet in a entirely new world to me.
:)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Where I'm at and where I hope to be.
In August 2010 I commenced my studies with Childbirth International (CBI) - I enrolled in the Birth Doula, Postpartum Doula and Childbirth Educator courses, and hope to one day complete it with the Breastfeeding Counsellor course.
I have relished the study, and aside from the readings and study itself, I have started a library of my own with lots of pregnancy, birth and parenting related books. One day soon I hope to have a list of recommended reading on here.
In December, I finished the theory component of the "Birth Doula" course. Now, I need 2 clients to complete the course and gain certification.
I have moved on to the Postpartum Doula course now (which has some common units), though with Christmas and New Years haven't made much progress. I am hoping this year to give myself some 'allocated study time' where my husband takes the kids out and lets me study in peace. When that is completed I will do the Childbirth Education course.
My aim is to complete all three courses by the end of 2011, so next year I will be a fully certified Birth Doula, Postpartum Doula and Childbirth Educator!
I am based in Moranbah, QLD, but will service many areas of Central Queensland including Mackay, Clermont, Dysart and Emerald (other areas can be arranged).
At the moment I am in need of two clients to work with antenatally, during birth, and in the postpartum period to gain my qualification. Therefore I am offering my services for a donation towards my costs (amount at client's discretion).
Please contact me at nurturedbyjen@hotmail.com if you would like any more information.
I have so many ideas about things I'd like to write about on this blog. Upcoming topics will include: Mother Baby Separation vs Kangaroo Mother Care, APH and PPH, Birth and Sex, What can a doula do for you?, Birth Options for Rural Women and more. These are particular interests of mine, but more and more new interests are arising the more I study/read/experience.
I have relished the study, and aside from the readings and study itself, I have started a library of my own with lots of pregnancy, birth and parenting related books. One day soon I hope to have a list of recommended reading on here.
In December, I finished the theory component of the "Birth Doula" course. Now, I need 2 clients to complete the course and gain certification.
I have moved on to the Postpartum Doula course now (which has some common units), though with Christmas and New Years haven't made much progress. I am hoping this year to give myself some 'allocated study time' where my husband takes the kids out and lets me study in peace. When that is completed I will do the Childbirth Education course.
My aim is to complete all three courses by the end of 2011, so next year I will be a fully certified Birth Doula, Postpartum Doula and Childbirth Educator!
I am based in Moranbah, QLD, but will service many areas of Central Queensland including Mackay, Clermont, Dysart and Emerald (other areas can be arranged).
At the moment I am in need of two clients to work with antenatally, during birth, and in the postpartum period to gain my qualification. Therefore I am offering my services for a donation towards my costs (amount at client's discretion).
Please contact me at nurturedbyjen@hotmail.com if you would like any more information.
I have so many ideas about things I'd like to write about on this blog. Upcoming topics will include: Mother Baby Separation vs Kangaroo Mother Care, APH and PPH, Birth and Sex, What can a doula do for you?, Birth Options for Rural Women and more. These are particular interests of mine, but more and more new interests are arising the more I study/read/experience.
Hindsight and Healing.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing. It's also a difficult thing. There are many things I would change about my life, including my decisions surrounding birth and parenting.
But in the last 8 months, I've realised that you just can't allow yourself to get caught up in the 'I wish's', the 'What ifs', the 'If onlys'. But you can't ignore them either, or they just fester.
I still think 'What if I'd not asked for a stretch and sweep?', 'What if we'd not been in Mackay that day?', 'Why didn't I just demand for them to give M oxygen while he was having skin to skin instead of taking him away?' and ... 'Why didn't I just hire a midwife and stay home?' 'Why didn't I trust my body? Why didn't I trust birth?' And they are important questions. They are valid questions. Instead of just having the what ifs go through my head over and over and over though, I answered them. It was a bit confronting and painful, but I feel that I had to explore the questions and the answers if I was going to get past it, and if I was going to change it for the future. I learnt. I learnt the hard way, but I still learnt. And it has turned my world upside down.
Today, I feel SO much different than I did in the weeks and months immediately following M's birth. I was SO consumed by regret and sadness. Now I feel empowered. Of course I still wish it had been different, I always will. But that's ok. It doesn't mean I love him any less. It doesn't make me a bad mother just because I made the choices I did.
I even feel proud. Twice I birthed in hospital. Twice the births were relatively straightforward and both times the baby exited the way nature intended. Few drugs were used (only gas with H and about 4 sucks of gas with M + the synto both times, but with M only after the placenta was delivered and I had a PPH). If I feel proud now, imagine how proud I will be when I give birth at home :)
I also feel lucky. I went in fairly blind both times, though the second time I was a little more informed (though I've since realised how much more there is to know!), and I came out the other side. Both times there were reasons I could have been forced into surgery. I didn't know in 2008 that many hospitals have a '1 hour pushing' rule, and if you didn't comply, the baby was forced out by way of forceps/vacuum/cesarean. Somehow I managed to push for almost 3, and no talk of any such interventions. Phew, I now consider that, knowing what I do, a 'lucky escape'! I also know that many times when APH (antepartum haemorrhage, which I experienced with M's birth) is diagnosed, it is immediate cesarean - luckily for me the only intervention was ARM (artificial rupture of membranes), though other interventions were threatened.
I really feel like I am at peace with his birth now. Sometimes things trigger me, and I feel sad/angry/regretful/etc, but it is much more fleeting now. And I don't hide those feelings, I address them, I embrace them, then I move on and accept them as part of my journey.
I am so passionate about birth and all things related. I am excited about the information I now have that I can share with other women. I am looking forward to supporting other women during such an amazing and lifechanging time of their lives, and encouraging them to make informed decisions and be in control of their own births, however they want them to be. Yes, I freely admit it will be difficult to watch women make decisions that would be different to my own, or that don't align with what their wishes are, but I respect that it is their birth and their journey - it is not my own. All I can do is provide the information, encouragement and support for them to become empowered and make informed choices.
I have gone on my own journey, and while it's not the journey I imagined or wanted, it's mine. Every woman's journey is her own and noone else's. That is what gives women power. We are allowed to be angry and upset at the role/s other people played in our birth experiences if they were less than ideal - whether that be scare tactics employed by obstetricians or midwives that have chosen 'policy' over being 'with woman', but we also need to take responsibility for our own choices - whether that be the choice of care provider, consenting to unwanted or unneccesary interventions or whatever else. There is ALWAYS choice. I don't feel I had power at the time of M's birth, but by going through this journey I have FOUND my power. My role is not to take that journey and that power away from other women, but to encourage them to find their own power.
Birth is not an emergency. It is simply an emergence. (Jeannine Parvati Baker.)
But in the last 8 months, I've realised that you just can't allow yourself to get caught up in the 'I wish's', the 'What ifs', the 'If onlys'. But you can't ignore them either, or they just fester.
I still think 'What if I'd not asked for a stretch and sweep?', 'What if we'd not been in Mackay that day?', 'Why didn't I just demand for them to give M oxygen while he was having skin to skin instead of taking him away?' and ... 'Why didn't I just hire a midwife and stay home?' 'Why didn't I trust my body? Why didn't I trust birth?' And they are important questions. They are valid questions. Instead of just having the what ifs go through my head over and over and over though, I answered them. It was a bit confronting and painful, but I feel that I had to explore the questions and the answers if I was going to get past it, and if I was going to change it for the future. I learnt. I learnt the hard way, but I still learnt. And it has turned my world upside down.
Today, I feel SO much different than I did in the weeks and months immediately following M's birth. I was SO consumed by regret and sadness. Now I feel empowered. Of course I still wish it had been different, I always will. But that's ok. It doesn't mean I love him any less. It doesn't make me a bad mother just because I made the choices I did.
I even feel proud. Twice I birthed in hospital. Twice the births were relatively straightforward and both times the baby exited the way nature intended. Few drugs were used (only gas with H and about 4 sucks of gas with M + the synto both times, but with M only after the placenta was delivered and I had a PPH). If I feel proud now, imagine how proud I will be when I give birth at home :)
I also feel lucky. I went in fairly blind both times, though the second time I was a little more informed (though I've since realised how much more there is to know!), and I came out the other side. Both times there were reasons I could have been forced into surgery. I didn't know in 2008 that many hospitals have a '1 hour pushing' rule, and if you didn't comply, the baby was forced out by way of forceps/vacuum/cesarean. Somehow I managed to push for almost 3, and no talk of any such interventions. Phew, I now consider that, knowing what I do, a 'lucky escape'! I also know that many times when APH (antepartum haemorrhage, which I experienced with M's birth) is diagnosed, it is immediate cesarean - luckily for me the only intervention was ARM (artificial rupture of membranes), though other interventions were threatened.
I really feel like I am at peace with his birth now. Sometimes things trigger me, and I feel sad/angry/regretful/etc, but it is much more fleeting now. And I don't hide those feelings, I address them, I embrace them, then I move on and accept them as part of my journey.
I am so passionate about birth and all things related. I am excited about the information I now have that I can share with other women. I am looking forward to supporting other women during such an amazing and lifechanging time of their lives, and encouraging them to make informed decisions and be in control of their own births, however they want them to be. Yes, I freely admit it will be difficult to watch women make decisions that would be different to my own, or that don't align with what their wishes are, but I respect that it is their birth and their journey - it is not my own. All I can do is provide the information, encouragement and support for them to become empowered and make informed choices.
I have gone on my own journey, and while it's not the journey I imagined or wanted, it's mine. Every woman's journey is her own and noone else's. That is what gives women power. We are allowed to be angry and upset at the role/s other people played in our birth experiences if they were less than ideal - whether that be scare tactics employed by obstetricians or midwives that have chosen 'policy' over being 'with woman', but we also need to take responsibility for our own choices - whether that be the choice of care provider, consenting to unwanted or unneccesary interventions or whatever else. There is ALWAYS choice. I don't feel I had power at the time of M's birth, but by going through this journey I have FOUND my power. My role is not to take that journey and that power away from other women, but to encourage them to find their own power.
Birth is not an emergency. It is simply an emergence. (Jeannine Parvati Baker.)
The day that changed my life and led me to this calling.
After H's birth, which was a fairly straightforward hospital birth, my interest was sparked in pregnancy and birth stuff, but in hindsight, only to a superficial extent. I started participating in forums and reading all the parenting magazines. But I never truly 'got' it.
That is, until M's birth in May 2010. Here is his story.
M's story is one that I've written about half a dozen times. The first time - facts. It was just a retelling of facts. I was still taking it all in, still in denial perhaps? The second, I was trying to get my head in a positive space - so I wrote a new story trying to make it sound better than it really was. Then there were others where I started to really 'nut it out'.
This one, I didn't [originally] write for an audience. It was written in my diary at the beginning of August.
Here goes...
M's story is difficult for me to write. My heart still aches for our birthing journey.
Even though Haylee's early months were difficult, motherhood was a huge adjustment and I felt lonely, isolated and unable to cope - by the time she turned one, I was very much ready for another. L wasn't so convinced however. By then, I was also back at work [full time] and finding it incredibly tough. I'd lost my passion for music, and teaching. I resented the time work took away from my little girl. I hated having to bring work home. I felt isolated from my colleagues and I was desperate to go back to being a mumma.
In July 2009, L turned to me and said "OK, let's have another baby". Needless to say, I was thrilled! I was even more thrilled when a month later I found myself squinting at a test thinking "Is there a line?" followed by another the next day that confirmed that yes, I was pregnant! We were both over the moon.
Even though I wasn't exactly 'traumatised' by H's birth (except the tearing issue), I knew I wanted this time to be different. I wanted continuity of care, I wanted L to be able to stay with me, I wanted it to be natural and magical and amazing. So I booked into the Birth Centre - a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. The antenatal care was fantastic, amazing, and the midwives were so wonderful. We spent hours at our antenatal appointments and formed strong bonds with the 4 midwives that work there. I felt so cared for, and 'informed'. But little did I know...
Anyway, back to the pregnancy for a moment. Looking back now, I don't really know how I survived being pregnant, looking after a toddler and working full time. It was SO hard - especially as I didn't stop vomiting until 20 weeks. Try hiding that from a bunch of nosy teenagers! I made the decision to finish work at the end of the school year and spend the remainder of my pregnancy with H at home. That time was amazing and much cherished, although by the last few weeks I was so exhausted an in pain (bad back/sore legs/nerve pain) that I just wanted the baby out! We also knew this time we were having a boy, but still referred to the baby as 'Grub', which he had been dubbed the night I told L I was pregnnat and long before we knew it was a boy.
So finally, the magic 40 week mark arrived, but still no baby! I was so upset and in so much pain. MIL had come up to look after H while M was born (yep, invited herself again, after pissing off for the 2 years in between births, and again I was too stupid to say no). So on the 6th May we went in to the Birth Centre appointment I'd hoped I wouldn't need. We packed our bags, just in case, and intended to ask the midwife to do an internal to see where things were at (I wanted to know if it was close or not - not really how little that means and how quickly things can change) - she was hesitant and tried to talk us out of it (oh how I wish I'd listened), but after some tears and anxiety about leaving Haylee at home, or bearing the 2 hour trip home only to need to come straight back, she agreed - on the condition we stayed in Mackay for 24 hours in case it triggered anything off. And that was the beginning of the end...
So the stretch and sweep was done - things were not looking very favourable. I admit I was rather disappointed. I really wanted to meet our little man and I didn't want to be away from my baby girl. But we decided to make the most of it - we went window shopping, saw a movie, took some photos at the beach (including my last pregnant photo), had a nice dinner, enjoyed a spa in the motel room.Then, we decided to see if we could 'get things going' (wink wink nudge nudge). As part of this, L felt 'down there' and realised it was very wet. We turned the light on. Blood. Fresh blood. I stayed fairly calm but L freaked out. He called the midwife while I stood in the shower. The midwife, N (who I'd never met as she was relieving another BC midwife - I was devastated because I'd really wanted a midwife I knew), told us it could have just been from the stretch and sweep, and to call her back if there was any more bleeding. 10 minutes later she called back, saying she'd been thinking about it, and would prefer if we went in for a quick check. So in we went - leaving our bags behind, anticipating it would be a quick check then back to the motel. Well, the 20 minute CTG trace ended up taking an hour and a half because they weren't getting the results they wanted. By the time they finished it was about 1130pm. Anyway, they then asked me to check my blood loss. I had a sinking feeling, as I knew there'd been more blood, I could feel it. Sure enough, there was. So the doctor was called in to check things out. By then, a student midwife, R, had also joined us [with our consent]. I was SO thankful, as she was amazing. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her, especially since N, my 'medwife', just didn't show ANY compassion, feeling, support.
So the doctor came in, poked and prodded (quite roughly too) and said she didn't know waht was causing the bleed so we had to get the baby out (typical scare tactics, I wish I hadn't listened). She had to look after another woman first, then would come back and break my waters. I reluctantly agreed. They also put a cannula in - saying they hoped that breaking my waters would be enough, but if not, they'd have to give me synto to move things along...or a c/s. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. It wasn't supposed to be happening like this at all. I felt it all spinning out of control. I was supposed to be in the birth centre, with L and a midwife I knew, having a beautiful, intervention-free birth. Why was this happening? Why hadn't I prepared for this? I expressed my dissatisfaction about the drip (and secretly prepared myself to fight against it) and my intense desire to NOT have c/s. I hoped my body could do its job despite their interference, as I had been getting contractions, but nothing serious.
At 1.15am the doctor was back to break my waters. I wish I'd refused. I wish a lot of things actually, but anyway. So my waters were broken and things got intense, fast. The good news was that I was already 4-5cm dilated, which was encouraging. Maybe I could do this after all. But having my waters broken made the labour much harder to handle and I was struggling. Luckily, they hadn't strapped me down to the bed for monitoring - I wanted to be able to move, and shower, and I made this very clear. The shower was good for a while, then I wanted to try something different. I ended up kneeling on the bed with my arms resting on the bedhead, I'd been bouncing on the fitball too. I started giving in to the pain, even though L and R were so supportive and encouraging. I begged for pain relief, it felt like my insides were being ripped apart and I remember crying that out a number of times. I cried, I said I couldn't do it. N asked if I wanted an internal to see where I was at and whether there was time for an epidural, even though she doubted it. I agreed. The result - 8cm. Sounds good but I was devastated - I was too far gone for an epidural [which I now see as a blessing in disguise] but still had 2cm + pushing, and it had taken hours to push H out. L and R asked if I wanted another shower as I was complaining I couldn't get comfortable anywhere, and I didn't know what I wanted, so back to the shower it was.
That walk from the bed to the shower must have been something pretty fantastic because as I walked I got the most intense feeling of the baby moving down. I sat on the chair in the shower as a contraction hit and felt huge huge pressure immediately. I couldn't sit down! I had to brace myself weith my arms on the arms of the chair and remember saying [over and over] "I need to poo. I can't stop, I can't stop it". I stood up and leaned on L with my arms around his neck, still with that intense urge to push- which I loved, because I knew my body was doing what it needed to, and I was listening. The midwives brought in a mat and placed it on the floor. I gratefully got down on my hands and knees and just kept pushing. They told me if I didn't get up after this contraction I'd be having my baby on the bathroom floor. And on the bathroom floor was where he was born! I felt his head emerging, though I had to ask "Is his head out?", to which they answered yes (Just as an aside, I now had K as my midwife, as N had gone to attend another woman at the BC). The next contraction - whoosh! I felt his body leave mine, and the most amazing sense of relief and empowerment! My baby was here and I'd pushed him out of my vagina! At 345am on the 7th May 2010.
The midwife passed him up between my legs (as I was still on my hands and knees) so L and I could meet our little man. He was beautiful. Perfect. I stared at him. I drank in the sight of this new little person L and I had created, and I nurtured inside me for 40 weeks. I cried tears of joy, exclaiming "He's here, our little boy is here". I just stared in wonder for what felt like forever, and I touched him, held his hands, spoke to him. Time stood still in that wondrous moment. A couple of hasty photos were taken at my request. L picked him up, held him out and spoke to him. I didn't notice anything wrong. But then, before I'd even got to hold him, they told me they had to take him away. His breathing was 'noisy'. No, they can't take my baby. L had cut the cord too - I asked if it had stopped pulsing and they said yes, but I'm not sure...
L then went with them while they administered oxygen in the room. I'm glad he had his daddy there. But after 30mins things hadn't improved so they were taking him to SCN. And I still hadn't held him. I remember L saying to the midwives, "But Jen hasn't even had a cuddle" [God I love that man], but they took him anyway, saying his breathing was more important [and yep, sticking him in a little plastic box is the only, and the 'best', way to fix that...
Meanwhile I was helpless and bleeding. I delivered the placenta but then needed the needle and a drip as I'd lost a lot of blood [850ml all up], so couldn't stand without almost passing out. I cried for my baby. I cried for our birth, that had been taken away. Eventually I got back to the bed, and then needed to be stitched up. I was terrified. By now, every fibre of my being ached, longed, for my baby. Why wasn't he here? Was he scared? Was he hungry? Was he lonely? I wanted to see him. I cried. I begged. The student midwife offered to go and check on him. She came back and I burst into tears - she had brought him back to me! She placed his tiny [well not so tiny at 9lb3oz and 58cm], naked, warm body under my shirt and I finally felt his soft skin on mine. I cried some more, this time tears of relief and happiness (though I am sure some of it was sorrow too at the time, the precious first hours, we had lost together). I kept exclaiming 'My boy, my little boy'. I loved him immediately, deeply and unconditionally...
This was written a while ago, and since then I have done a lot of healing. That will take a separate post though.
So it was after this incredibly defining moment in my life that I just knew there had to be more. This blog will share with you some of what I am learning about what pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and parenting really can, and should, be.
That is, until M's birth in May 2010. Here is his story.
M's story is one that I've written about half a dozen times. The first time - facts. It was just a retelling of facts. I was still taking it all in, still in denial perhaps? The second, I was trying to get my head in a positive space - so I wrote a new story trying to make it sound better than it really was. Then there were others where I started to really 'nut it out'.
This one, I didn't [originally] write for an audience. It was written in my diary at the beginning of August.
Here goes...
M's story is difficult for me to write. My heart still aches for our birthing journey.
Even though Haylee's early months were difficult, motherhood was a huge adjustment and I felt lonely, isolated and unable to cope - by the time she turned one, I was very much ready for another. L wasn't so convinced however. By then, I was also back at work [full time] and finding it incredibly tough. I'd lost my passion for music, and teaching. I resented the time work took away from my little girl. I hated having to bring work home. I felt isolated from my colleagues and I was desperate to go back to being a mumma.
In July 2009, L turned to me and said "OK, let's have another baby". Needless to say, I was thrilled! I was even more thrilled when a month later I found myself squinting at a test thinking "Is there a line?" followed by another the next day that confirmed that yes, I was pregnant! We were both over the moon.
Even though I wasn't exactly 'traumatised' by H's birth (except the tearing issue), I knew I wanted this time to be different. I wanted continuity of care, I wanted L to be able to stay with me, I wanted it to be natural and magical and amazing. So I booked into the Birth Centre - a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. The antenatal care was fantastic, amazing, and the midwives were so wonderful. We spent hours at our antenatal appointments and formed strong bonds with the 4 midwives that work there. I felt so cared for, and 'informed'. But little did I know...
Anyway, back to the pregnancy for a moment. Looking back now, I don't really know how I survived being pregnant, looking after a toddler and working full time. It was SO hard - especially as I didn't stop vomiting until 20 weeks. Try hiding that from a bunch of nosy teenagers! I made the decision to finish work at the end of the school year and spend the remainder of my pregnancy with H at home. That time was amazing and much cherished, although by the last few weeks I was so exhausted an in pain (bad back/sore legs/nerve pain) that I just wanted the baby out! We also knew this time we were having a boy, but still referred to the baby as 'Grub', which he had been dubbed the night I told L I was pregnnat and long before we knew it was a boy.
So finally, the magic 40 week mark arrived, but still no baby! I was so upset and in so much pain. MIL had come up to look after H while M was born (yep, invited herself again, after pissing off for the 2 years in between births, and again I was too stupid to say no). So on the 6th May we went in to the Birth Centre appointment I'd hoped I wouldn't need. We packed our bags, just in case, and intended to ask the midwife to do an internal to see where things were at (I wanted to know if it was close or not - not really how little that means and how quickly things can change) - she was hesitant and tried to talk us out of it (oh how I wish I'd listened), but after some tears and anxiety about leaving Haylee at home, or bearing the 2 hour trip home only to need to come straight back, she agreed - on the condition we stayed in Mackay for 24 hours in case it triggered anything off. And that was the beginning of the end...
So the stretch and sweep was done - things were not looking very favourable. I admit I was rather disappointed. I really wanted to meet our little man and I didn't want to be away from my baby girl. But we decided to make the most of it - we went window shopping, saw a movie, took some photos at the beach (including my last pregnant photo), had a nice dinner, enjoyed a spa in the motel room.Then, we decided to see if we could 'get things going' (wink wink nudge nudge). As part of this, L felt 'down there' and realised it was very wet. We turned the light on. Blood. Fresh blood. I stayed fairly calm but L freaked out. He called the midwife while I stood in the shower. The midwife, N (who I'd never met as she was relieving another BC midwife - I was devastated because I'd really wanted a midwife I knew), told us it could have just been from the stretch and sweep, and to call her back if there was any more bleeding. 10 minutes later she called back, saying she'd been thinking about it, and would prefer if we went in for a quick check. So in we went - leaving our bags behind, anticipating it would be a quick check then back to the motel. Well, the 20 minute CTG trace ended up taking an hour and a half because they weren't getting the results they wanted. By the time they finished it was about 1130pm. Anyway, they then asked me to check my blood loss. I had a sinking feeling, as I knew there'd been more blood, I could feel it. Sure enough, there was. So the doctor was called in to check things out. By then, a student midwife, R, had also joined us [with our consent]. I was SO thankful, as she was amazing. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her, especially since N, my 'medwife', just didn't show ANY compassion, feeling, support.
So the doctor came in, poked and prodded (quite roughly too) and said she didn't know waht was causing the bleed so we had to get the baby out (typical scare tactics, I wish I hadn't listened). She had to look after another woman first, then would come back and break my waters. I reluctantly agreed. They also put a cannula in - saying they hoped that breaking my waters would be enough, but if not, they'd have to give me synto to move things along...or a c/s. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. It wasn't supposed to be happening like this at all. I felt it all spinning out of control. I was supposed to be in the birth centre, with L and a midwife I knew, having a beautiful, intervention-free birth. Why was this happening? Why hadn't I prepared for this? I expressed my dissatisfaction about the drip (and secretly prepared myself to fight against it) and my intense desire to NOT have c/s. I hoped my body could do its job despite their interference, as I had been getting contractions, but nothing serious.
At 1.15am the doctor was back to break my waters. I wish I'd refused. I wish a lot of things actually, but anyway. So my waters were broken and things got intense, fast. The good news was that I was already 4-5cm dilated, which was encouraging. Maybe I could do this after all. But having my waters broken made the labour much harder to handle and I was struggling. Luckily, they hadn't strapped me down to the bed for monitoring - I wanted to be able to move, and shower, and I made this very clear. The shower was good for a while, then I wanted to try something different. I ended up kneeling on the bed with my arms resting on the bedhead, I'd been bouncing on the fitball too. I started giving in to the pain, even though L and R were so supportive and encouraging. I begged for pain relief, it felt like my insides were being ripped apart and I remember crying that out a number of times. I cried, I said I couldn't do it. N asked if I wanted an internal to see where I was at and whether there was time for an epidural, even though she doubted it. I agreed. The result - 8cm. Sounds good but I was devastated - I was too far gone for an epidural [which I now see as a blessing in disguise] but still had 2cm + pushing, and it had taken hours to push H out. L and R asked if I wanted another shower as I was complaining I couldn't get comfortable anywhere, and I didn't know what I wanted, so back to the shower it was.
That walk from the bed to the shower must have been something pretty fantastic because as I walked I got the most intense feeling of the baby moving down. I sat on the chair in the shower as a contraction hit and felt huge huge pressure immediately. I couldn't sit down! I had to brace myself weith my arms on the arms of the chair and remember saying [over and over] "I need to poo. I can't stop, I can't stop it". I stood up and leaned on L with my arms around his neck, still with that intense urge to push- which I loved, because I knew my body was doing what it needed to, and I was listening. The midwives brought in a mat and placed it on the floor. I gratefully got down on my hands and knees and just kept pushing. They told me if I didn't get up after this contraction I'd be having my baby on the bathroom floor. And on the bathroom floor was where he was born! I felt his head emerging, though I had to ask "Is his head out?", to which they answered yes (Just as an aside, I now had K as my midwife, as N had gone to attend another woman at the BC). The next contraction - whoosh! I felt his body leave mine, and the most amazing sense of relief and empowerment! My baby was here and I'd pushed him out of my vagina! At 345am on the 7th May 2010.
The midwife passed him up between my legs (as I was still on my hands and knees) so L and I could meet our little man. He was beautiful. Perfect. I stared at him. I drank in the sight of this new little person L and I had created, and I nurtured inside me for 40 weeks. I cried tears of joy, exclaiming "He's here, our little boy is here". I just stared in wonder for what felt like forever, and I touched him, held his hands, spoke to him. Time stood still in that wondrous moment. A couple of hasty photos were taken at my request. L picked him up, held him out and spoke to him. I didn't notice anything wrong. But then, before I'd even got to hold him, they told me they had to take him away. His breathing was 'noisy'. No, they can't take my baby. L had cut the cord too - I asked if it had stopped pulsing and they said yes, but I'm not sure...
L then went with them while they administered oxygen in the room. I'm glad he had his daddy there. But after 30mins things hadn't improved so they were taking him to SCN. And I still hadn't held him. I remember L saying to the midwives, "But Jen hasn't even had a cuddle" [God I love that man], but they took him anyway, saying his breathing was more important [and yep, sticking him in a little plastic box is the only, and the 'best', way to fix that...
Meanwhile I was helpless and bleeding. I delivered the placenta but then needed the needle and a drip as I'd lost a lot of blood [850ml all up], so couldn't stand without almost passing out. I cried for my baby. I cried for our birth, that had been taken away. Eventually I got back to the bed, and then needed to be stitched up. I was terrified. By now, every fibre of my being ached, longed, for my baby. Why wasn't he here? Was he scared? Was he hungry? Was he lonely? I wanted to see him. I cried. I begged. The student midwife offered to go and check on him. She came back and I burst into tears - she had brought him back to me! She placed his tiny [well not so tiny at 9lb3oz and 58cm], naked, warm body under my shirt and I finally felt his soft skin on mine. I cried some more, this time tears of relief and happiness (though I am sure some of it was sorrow too at the time, the precious first hours, we had lost together). I kept exclaiming 'My boy, my little boy'. I loved him immediately, deeply and unconditionally...
This was written a while ago, and since then I have done a lot of healing. That will take a separate post though.
So it was after this incredibly defining moment in my life that I just knew there had to be more. This blog will share with you some of what I am learning about what pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and parenting really can, and should, be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
